Beauty

My little jorney for getting a first aware touch to my fears is just about to end. It would end for a while. And my jorney would change it shape, size, colour, smell for another one. It would be different, it would feel differently.

This was just a little touch to my fears and the way they affect me. What I have experienced during this jorney would always stay inside my flesh and here, in this blog;)

I have found the way to recognize the fear, which stops me from doing what I want to do.

I have found the way to connect to my fear and turn it into my lover by giving my softness to it.

I have found the way to restart myself and find strenght through bringing myself to nature when I feel lost and weak.

I have found the way to keep that spirit of getting closer to my fears, when they try to put me down.

There is still a lot work to do. But I do have time. One moment at the time. One enjoyable moment at the time. Slowly. With love.

Goddess

I think I have found where I come from.

From the woods. From the lakes. Behind the trees and bushes. From the grass and soil. 

I came from there. I connect to my motherland, where I came from, in any case of my weakness. 

When I feel scared, I miss that connectin. When I feel sad, I need that connection to my motherland. That connection purifies me, it reminds me who I am and where I came from. My motherland accepts all my feelings. It sucks them all into her soil and purify me. 

I become a Goddess in the woods. I become stronger. My eyes change its colour for the brighter one, for the deeper one. My look changes. Smile appears. I breath deeply.

It is a meditation. Meditation, when I am able to see beauty around me. When I feel myself from all over my body. When all my muscle becomes soft. When all the feelings are free to show up.

I am a Goddes of my Motherland, where I came from. I came from this Earth. My motherland is this Earth. All the fears could be faced in any place of my Motherland. Becouse I belong here.

Connection

I have found one side of some rubber cord from the crowdy place with happy people around me. This rubber cord is thin, black and long. I followed its lenght keeping one side of it in my hand. I followed  its lenght walking through this crowd of happy people.

While I was looking for another side of that rubber cord walking inside the crowd of happy people I was becoming more and more relaxed. I was just about to become as happy as they are. I felt how soft it feels to be relaxed. I felt how badly I need more of that. 

I just enjoyed that feeling of being relaxed keeping one side of that rubber cord. I finally found the other side of it. It was hidden between a wooden floor and a stage with a singer on it. The singer had his eyes closed. He was singing with his deep tenor voice. That was culmination of a satisfaction. I  felt happy.

I feel happy, connecting to something new. Something, what is new Me, detoxed and purified. New, with more love inside. 

Bottom

You will find me from the bottom of this space, full of tears and screems. I felt here down, no power to move.

Just screems and tears.

There is no more matter if I would stay here forever. I know I would be the only one in here.

Little girl is in pain, used by adults. She always cries, when they hurt her again.

Fears. No fears. Do not care.

__________

Though I am lucky I have learned how to love myself; to respect myself. So I would not hurt myself anymore. I would not blame myself for the pain what others do to me. I would still love myself, even if something hurts me. There no more fear excist, that I would hurt myself. Lucky me.
__________

I will stay for a while in this bottom. I will try to collect the little drops of energy to move my muscle. I will breath deeply, if I would be able to. I will be here, waiting for more love.

Used

Yes. This has happened.

My biggest fear has found me from the passing me through people. I was too relaxed.

I was used in the middle of my happiness. Random person treated me the way I do not let anyone treat me. And I let him do it for too long time, becouse I was not ready to fight.

I feel dirty. I feel full of chips and chocolate.

While I was smashing that sweet shit of cake into my mouth I was crying, becouse I knew something has happened. I pushed the last peace of that shit into my mouth and just at the right time there were little garden just infront of me.

I brought myself there. I pushed myself to that bench close to the bushes. I forsed myself to think.

What was that? What hurted me so much that I had to punish myself the way I did it earlier in my life?

It was my biggest fear. I was treated the way I do not want to be treated.

————————
Cry baby. I love you. There is nothing to worry about. You are ok. No one can hurt you.

This beaty is crying and feeling sick. I will take her to the most beautiful restaurant. I will buy the healthiest cup of tea for her. Becouse I love her.

Authority

Authority is a creation of my mind. It is someone, who stops me from making mistakes. Someone who doesn´t let me walk my own way and fly away.

I do love make mistakes and become better. I do love to choose my own way of living with all the adventures; with all the excitments and failings.

Why would I proctect myself from finding my own way of living?

There is no more need for any kind of authority for me. Love for someone is way enough to show my feelings.

I love myself too.

What is your God?

When I am scared I screem for help.

When I feel lost I do the same.

There were always something, what proctected me from death but instead brought me here, where I am now; what I am now. I know what is my God for me.

It is my Intuition. I listen it what it talks to me. I follow it when it whispers me to follow it. I make a choice, when it tells me what would be the best for me.

I realised I have followed my Intuition since I was a little girl. I learned that my Intuition would protect me and show me the way. I learned it would not heart me.

Purification

I can not stand this beauty. It swallows me. It is so much around me.

I am surrounded by these sounds and smells. They made me cry in the middle of this street. I was so ready for this purification that it didn´t take long for it to swallow me.

My skin is burning. My muscle is too soft and hot. Heart is beating way too fast. I am stearing at this, what it does to me. I am not in this reality anymore.

I am in trance dancing with all my passion for dancing. I am in by black latex catsuit wearing a platform shoes. I feel sweaty in this outfit and it makes me want to dance even more. I dance keeping my eyes closed just time to time having a look at those people passing through.

They watch me. The love to see what they see. It comes out stright from within me forgetting about all the fears and judgments. There is no more matter for me to be afraid of anything anymore. Becouse I am so powerful with my world, showing it to everyone that there is no space for fears left.

No matter what is happening around me. I feel what I am. I feel myself.

This is a trance of the rhythm, sounds and smells. This is purification. This passes through me and spreads to this world.

Watch it! Enjoy it! This is a beauty to see. This would not hurt you!

Stillness

I´ve got a feeling of safety. I am so carefull not to miss this connection with this sensual feeling of being safe. I´m having this connection under my observation and control. I have to be careful. I have to be gentle.

I freeze this feeling. I keep myself here with this connection. There is no need to be anywhere else, but filling up with all the secure and warmth of being.

It´s a stillness. I breath deeply. I sense how my body is becoming stronger and mind clearer. I am a part of this stillness. It feels good.

There is no need for anything else right now.

This is what I need to become strong again. When I am strong enough I would be ready for diving deeper. I would dive deeper looking for those stucked in the labyrints of my mind the deepiest fears. Those fears are like a wariors. They are always ready to attack.

Being in this stillness of safety would fill me up with the energy to react back, when those wariors would attack me. I would not attack them back.

I would make love with them by being ready to accept them what they are; by being opened to them; by being present to them with all my senses; by being ready to keep them warm and safe. Making love with them would melt their habit of attacking me. We would become closer.

So frightening

I draw following my hand and its motion. My drawing looks different with a new earlier unknown me style. I don't feel comfortable to see the result. It frights me.

There is death behind me holding a knife in his hand. The death stays just behind me.

In the end of drawing I try to correct it and draw smile on the devils face. I also drow wings on his back as he would be an angel.

It doesn't help situation. Smile and wings doesn't make an angel from devil.

I follow my will and take a break. I breath deeply. I try to relax.

I change a page in my notebook and start to draw again.

There is a death standing in an awkward pose. It's just behind me. There is an image of me with a scared face looking back.

Full of sadness

Concentrating on my feelings and fears brought me to the Kingdom of Sadness.

This place looks like Grey Palace with Steam, Dark Furniture and No Light. It´s a very grey place with wet floors and dark windows, where light can not get through.

I feel the deepest fears to come out arounding me in this darkness. These fears and sadness taking over me. I can not feel the life happening around me here, in this Kingdom. I can not feel anything else, but sadness.

I am stucked in here..

Roots

Sunny day in a backyard.

Spiders are hanging on their nets. Grapes are so juicy and so ready for eating. Few huge dry brown grape leaves dropped from their mother tree. Decorative stones are chaotically and at the same time in a very orginised way putted around the plants and trees.

I pull out the roots with all the power I have. I have to pull out all the plants, which damage this lovely backyard with their long roots spreading all over the yard.

I pull out all the biggest plants with the thickest roots. The roots are thick and long. Around the roots under the plant is a kingdom of insects. They are so nasty. Insects are wet, some of them are fat and thick, some of them are just running away. I feel sick. 

I imaigne that these roots with all the insects are my fears. I have to deal with them. I am not afraid and I am not going to leave it untill I will pull out all of them.

I had to take a brake many times. I didn`t feel well anymore.

In a while I continued pulling the roots out. In a while there were no insects anymore. In a while there were no roots anymore.

I feel bad and good at the same time.

Which one?

I found myself from the bench thinking. I was thinking, that sometimes I mix up two things, which brings me to make a wrong decision.

For not doing this mistake anymore I have found the strategy to make a correct desicion, which is better for me than wrong desicion.


Before doing anything I would ask myself:
- Do I want to do it (anything)?

If the answer is Yes, there is a next question:
- Will I do it (anything)?


If the answer on a second quiestion is Yes, there is no problem or conflict, or anything worth any discussion :P So I would finish here.


But if there is an answer No, then we have at least two variations of why it is No.

1. Either I would want to do something against the low or human rights or distractive to animal or nature (like, if I would want to hurt someone against his wish). At that case my No answer would be perfect answer and we would end here.

2. Or my No answer brings me to the place, which is filled up with my fears. I would not do something I want to do, becouse my imagination or expirience stops me from doing what I want to do.

If there is a fear I already know what to do next;)

Depth

Fear has two depths. This is how I see it:

SkinFear and FleshFear.

First one is about concrete fears such as fear of darkness, fear of talking in public and so on. These fears are possible to get over by aware practice. Being aware about that particular fear and being motivated to practice it, and practice it. And practice it until there is a strong skill to overcome this fear, when it appears.

There is a deeper fear, which is abstract and which is outside our possibilities to train it by doing what we are afraid of. This fear could be fear of death, illness, someones possible abuse, fear of getting lost someone. These fears are in our imagination and yes these things would or possibly would happend to us one day, but we do not want to be afraid of that.

For fears, which are concrete and on a Skin Depth the way to get over them is by doing what we are afraid of. By training this fear, by learning how to control it.

For fears, which are abstract and on the Flesh Depth, deeper, we would use art. Art is the way to concrete our fears, to see how they look like, to see them. When we see how this abstract fear looks like we have more chances to find out our own way to get over that fear.

Being aware about what is going on in our mind and willing to work hard there is a chance for fearless life.

Fear of mine (The deepest one)

Being treated the way I do not want to be treated.

By expressing myself in a different ways; by behaving naturally; by being myself there is always a chance to be interpretated wrong (the way I do not want to be interpretated).

The explanation for being interpretated wrong could have many reasons: personal experience, prejudices, fears etc. The interpretation of anything around us the way people see it is a right of everyone. Anyone has a right to see things the way they are able to see. And it wouldn`t be wise trying to change someones way of interaction with the world.



So, for this particular fear of mine there is a way to deal with it:

I remember who I am.
I remember what are my values.
I remember that I have a right to be myself.
I remember to be responsible for the things I am doing.



Safety plan, in case I am not able to handle this fear is:

Take a break and get lost in nature.

Challenge: involving in community

One more night and I would put myself into community. They live their lifes the way they choosed to live. And that is a space for them to be together.

I recognize myself in the same way of their living. I see myself as I could learn a lot from them and get the best from that.

The conflict in here is that this is something new for me. And I see myself as a part of it. But I am not sure if I would be accepted and feel welcomed.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up. Prepare myself for the new day. I am going to get some nice walk through the park. And I am going to be as a part of this community as long as I feel to.

Parks submitting

I ran on the empty streets of the sleepy town. I looked at the empty roads. I crossed them and ran further. In about an ages I arrived to the Park.

I ran inside the Park. It is a huge one. I ran it cross over. I ran and looked at the people´s eyes. They smiled to me and greeted me. I smiled them back and greeted them too.

I continued my running. And I continued to look at their eyes. The way I had ran became longer and longer.

I stopped to smell this Park, what was all over around me. I was drown into this beauty. I was getting full of the smells and sounds of it.

I ran further and further. I was sweaty and my energy of love was spreading to the Park´s properties. I was submitting this beauty by loving it. And people did accept it. (I saw it from their eyes;)

Watcher

Two days ago I walked on the streets with fear ethier I belong in here. I felt like being a part of this place. I wanted to be involved in these peoples lifes. I was also scared to be treated the way I don`t want to be treated.

Two days ago I saw some stunning church with a little yard. I walked inside the yard. The trees in the yard were huge. There were few graves with a big crosses. They were old and looked magnificent. I looked around. I saw the way to get inside the church.

I got closer to the entrance with a high and wide wood door. Behind that door there were a woman inside. She was still. I could not see her properly, but she didn`t move and stared through the door`s glass. And she stared at me. I tried to take my time by watching some event advertisements on the wall. In a while I looked back but she was still there. She was still watching me. I steped back and decided to leave this place. I was threatened.

I went out of the church`s yard. 

In about a minute I steped again in the church`s properties. I was with all my body and mind inside that forbidden place. I found the other door to get inside. I opened it whatever could happen to me. The woman was just behind the door. She smiled and said:

”I was waiting for you to get in.”

Soil

By squeezing soil in the yard I was thinking about it’s power. The power of growing and giving a  new life.

And I suddenly realized something. I found the way of taking my fears under control. I have to connect to the sounds of nature. And I squeezed the soil more and more. I gently touched the plants. I smelled them deeply. They have such a mystical smell! I seat on the chair under the grapes and watched the sun.

My body is getting warm. My mind is filling up with all the smells from the yard.

I am on my way to find myself from the parks, gardens and benches.

Sleeping is a scary thing to do

Night was full of absurd frightening episodes.

I was in the darkness kingdom.

Kingdom's residents made fun on me with their jokes.

But I did woke up.

Running

I run the roads in the early morning. Do people run in here? Is it normal to run in here? Why people watch me?

I love running in new places. I want to run in here.

I see the gym and feel relieved. Yes, they do sport in here. So, I can do it too..

But why they do not run?

Suspiciouse

Everything around me seems to be so suspiciouse. People are so suspiciouse in here. Places are so different in here and so suspiciouse.

Actually I am suspiciouse. They look at me and they know I am different. Why I wouldn´t be? Today I wasn't able to put my leather pants, even though I did want to wear them. Just not ready to get any more attention I already get. Not ready yet.

Inner conversation inside my head just so continuous. I know what I want. I see where I want to go. I know where I want to be. But there is a fear of being treated the way I do not want to be treated. So it is easier to leave something, than face it with all my confidence and power.

I do not want to be suspiciouse.

Rhythm

I can not find the rhythm of this city. I am too small for this city. This city is huge. It is full of people with all their hurries and lifes.

My own world seems to me so tiny. Is there are any use for searching my inner fears and facing them with all those homeless people on the streets?

Oh, during just few hours of being lost in this city I was scared multiple times.

What if someone steal something from me and I would be in trouble?

What if I behave so differently that people would not accept me?

What if I would not be able to find that rhythm of this city with all that traffic and moves?

What if someone want to use my trust when I am at my weakest?

I am alone. I look lost. I am confused with all these signs and roads, with all these words and people.

I have to practice my confidence. I should stay positive. I have to learn to be fearless. There is nothing can destroy me. Buddha:

"We will become free from our fears, when we understand that nothing can destroy us."

Detaching

I jump into fluffy mass of the clouds.

I dive into their softness of texture.

My skin would become smooth and nice.

My mind would become bright and matter.

Why.

Why do I need Zero Point? Why do I talk about fears? Why do I need to write about it?

I have an answer. I know why.

Fear is the key for getting a touch to the specific decisions we make. Fear is that Stop Button to make a step forward. Fear is that feeling, which keeps us away from the happiness.

To get into a deeper touch with the fear we need to see it first, we need to find it under our skin. When we see it we can get in touch with it. When we get in touch with it we can submit this fear and learn to control it.

I am on my way to become stronger. I want to reach a better version of myself. I want to be happy.

For this I need to become free from all the things what I am attached to. I need to leave everything, let it go. I need to make myself free from people, places, habits. This is the only way to give a space for the fears to appear, to come out. Free space for the fears to show up, when I am at my weakest. When I have no-one around me, no place to hide to, nothing.

And I have to write about it. Becouse by putting our thouhgts to the words we better understand what we are doing.

That is why.

Zero point

There is no way back.

No job. No home. No family.

My body is in pain and mind is filled up with emptiness and fears.

I am just about to fly for finding better me, stronger me.

This is a Zero Point.